1
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money. --Robin Williams
2
I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up. --Dean Martin
3
I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example. --Mick Miller
4
I'm not really a heavy smoker any more. I only get through two lighters a day now. --Bill Hicks
5
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. They wake up in the morning and that's the best they're going to feel all day. --Dean Martin
6
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. --Hunter S Thompson
7
A tavern is a place where madness is sold by the bottle. --Jonathan Swift
8
The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings. --Arthur Lewis
9
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. --Fred Allen
10
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Daye
11
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman
12
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. --Dave Barry
13
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. --W. C. Fields
14
At first I thought my life was going around in circles. Then I got to looking closer, and it’s actually a downward spiral. –Tom Ryan
15
I have the same New Year’s resolution every year; I decide to drink heavily. Because I know I can do it, which will build my self-esteem. –Betsy Salkind
16
Jack Daniels, that is a wild man drink. It should come with bail money. Because on Jack you don’t know where you’re going to end up, but you know when you get there you’re not going to be wearing pants. –Dave Attell
17
One reason why I don't drink is because I wish to know when I am having a good time. --Nancy Astor
18
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony. --Robert Benchley
19
Is it bad when you refer to all alcohol as "Pain Go Bye-Bye Juice?" --Patton Oswalt
20
Alcohol kills brain cells. we take the only organ in our body that won't grow back, and we kill it for fun. --Cary Odes
21
People don't change because they see the light. They change because they feel the heat.
22
When I think of all the people I respect the most, you're right there, serving them drinks. --Scott Adams
23
Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth. --Steve Allen
24
I am a drinker with writing problems. --Brenda Behan
25
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
26
Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce
27
Like a camel, I can go without a drink for seven days - and have on several horrible occasions. --Herb Caen
28
If God had intended for us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. --David Days
29
"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict. --George Carlin
30
The last
mosquito that bit me had to check into the Betty
Ford clinic.
--Patsy
31
My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. --Errol Flynn
32
Poor Michael Jackson and these sex allegations. As if it's not bad enough him being a Jehovah's Witness, they're accusing him of behaving like a catholic priest! --Billy Connolly
33
I don't drink these days. I am allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs. --Robert Downey Junior
34
John Goodman isn't fat. He's in a category beyond fat. What does one call it? Whalelike. --Sam Kinison
35
I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry. --Robert Benchley
36
I'd stay away from Ecstasy. This is a drug so strong it makes white people think they can dance. --Lenny Henry
37
Montreal's not a city. It's a Disney World for alcoholics. --Mike Wilmot
38
Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave -- but there's no need to be in the passing lane. --Robert Orden
39
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collector's and miss. --Robert Heinlein
40
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity. --Chris Rock