1
When I'm driving here I see a sign that says, CAUTION: SMALL CHILDREN PLAYING. I slow down, and then it occurs to me: I'm not afraid of small children. --Jonathan Katz
2
I was in McDonald's and I saw this kid take his Happy Meal toy and throw it on the ground. His mom said, "Hey, you play with that. There are children in China who are manufacturing those." --Laura Silverman
3
My wife and I have many things in common, the greatest of which is that we are both afraid of the children. --Bill Cosby
4
I get those maternal feelings, like when I'm lying on the couch and can't reach the remote. "Boy, a kid would be nice right now." --Kathleen Madigan
5
My parents used to stuff me with candy when I was a kid. M&M's, jujubes, Sweetarts. I don't think they wanted a child, I think they wanted a pinata. --Wendy Liebman
6
When I was eleven, I wasn't shooting people. --Todd Perry, on reading about a youth convicted of murder at age eleven
7
I'm the oldest child, and my parents experimented with different parenting styles on us. I came out more on the spanking end of it and my little brother came out on the "here's some cash" end of it. --Jenny Larsen
8
We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually. --Steven Wright
9
My parents were too poor to have children, so the neighbors had me. --Buddy Hackett
10
Did you ever read that book Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergarten? I learned only two things in kindergarten: First, if someone has something you want, you can remove it from them physically. And second, Elmer's glue makes a great between-meals snack. --Gary Barkin
11
Child make the most desirable opponents in Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat. --Fran Lebowitz
12
Children are a great comfort in your old age; and they help you reach it faster, too. --Lady Bird Johnson
13
If I was a father in a waiting room, and the nurse came out and said, “Congratulations, it's a girl," I think a good gag would be to get real mad and yell, "A girl? You must have me mixed up with THAT dork." and point to another father. --Jack Handey
14
Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling. --Jack Handey
15
It's not good to let any kid near a container that has a skull and crossbones on it, because there might be a skeleton costume inside and the kid could put it on and really scare you. --Jack Handey
16
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face. --Jack Handey
17
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, No," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late. --Jack Handey
18
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did." --Jack Handey
19
I remember when we were kids, one of our favorite games was to play "pirate." We'd dress up like pirates. Then we'd go find an adult walking down the street and we'd go up to him and pull out our butcher knives, which we called "swords," and say, "We're pirates! Give us your money!" A lot of adults would pretend to be scared and give us their money. Others would suddenly run away, yelling for help. We played pirate until we were twenty or so. --Jack Handey
20
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have for instance. --Franklin P. Jones
21
Smack your child every day. If you don't know why, he does. --Joey Adams
22
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing. --Johnny Carson
23
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. --Bill Cosby
24
The only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going, “Quit it!” --Jerry Seinfeld
25
What a childhood! I was breast-fed by my father. –Rodney Dangerfield
26
Babies are nature’s way of telling people what the world looks like at two o’clock in the morning.
27
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry. –Bill Cosby
28
I was a boring child. Whenever we played doctor, the other children always made me the anesthesiologist. –Rita Rudner
29
The only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going, “Quit it!” --Jerry Seinfeld
30
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the seesaw. I had to keep running from one end to the other. --Rodney Dangerfield
31
I'm nostalgic. I miss childhood. I miss first grade. I miss thinking girls are gross. Do you know how much money I could save if I still thought girls were gross? --Patrick Keane
32
I miss being a kid. I got food, clothing, and shelter for free. Grownups only get that in jail. --Leighann Lord
33
These big birthday parties my friends make for their kids. One of my friends had a surprise party for her child. He was one year old. We all snuck in around the crib, jumped up, and yelled, "Surprise!" He's in therapy now. --Rita Rudner
34
My childhood was rough. Once for my birthday, my old man gave me a bat. The first day I played with it, it flew away. --Rodney Dangerfield
35
A child is too old to breast-feed when he can unhook mommy's bra with one hand. --Anthony Clark
36
I'm so ugly, as a kid, I once stuck my head out the window and was arrested for mooning. --Rodney Dangerfield
37
I love to play with kids--they're fun to beat and easy to cheat. --Fran Lebowitz
38
Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth. --Steve Allen
39
Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three. --Billy Holiday
40
Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born, and they start using sleep deprivation to break you. -Ray Romano