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The other day I got out my can opener and was opening a can of worms when I thought, "What am I doing?!" --Jack Handey
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I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a billion ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands. --Jack Handey
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If you're an ant, and you're walking along across the top of a cup of pudding, you probably have no idea that the only thing between you and disaster is the strength of that pudding skin. --Jack Handey
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If I could come back as a horsefly, I think my favorite thing would be to land on someone's lip. Even if they smash you, ick, you're all over their lip. --Jack Handey
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I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator. --Emo Phillips
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You know what's probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitoes away from you and your guests? Just a big bag of blood. --Jack Handey
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You know what would be the most terrifying thing that could ever happen to a flea? Getting caught inside a watch somehow. You don't even care, do you. --Jack Handey
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I wish I could shrink down to the size of an ant. And maybe there would be thousands of other people shrunken down to ant-size, and we would get together and dig tunnels down into the ground, and live there. But don't ever call us "ants," because we hate that. --Jack Handey
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I called a discount exterminator. A guy came by with a rolled-up magazine. –Wil Shriner
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Have you read this book Animal Voices? The author claims you can telepathically communicate with the insects in your house and get them to leave. I can’t get my relatives to leave and I spray them with Raid. –Jay Leno
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It's true that misery loves company. If you ever doubt that, look at a No-Pest Strip. It's covered with flies. You'd think that the first fly would tell the others, "Go around! Go around!" --Margaret Smith
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